Finding Your Center

The first step is to realize your current state. Where are you on your journey? Are you in a rut? Do you feel stuck? Are you lacking direction? Are you confused? Are you making less than desirable choices? These are signs of being out of focus and un-centered. If you are working to achieve any goal personal, career etc. The most important characteristics to find your success any way in which you define that are as follows: Focus, discipline, passion, unwavering determination and true conviction.

 

I’m in this place of wanting to reach a certain destination so badly. However, my lack of motivation and focus is hindering me. I get in this place where I feel overwhelmed and then I’m unsure of my next steps. I allow other things in my life to distract me so that I can avoid what I say I want to accomplish. This is the thing…your interests are ever changing. However, God blesses you with points of passion. Gifts He gives you which may evolve but are rooted in something. You will do yourself, Him, the universe a dis-service if you do not run after that thing He his pushing you towards. You may not have all the answers, you may not understand how you will get to the end point. What is certain is that if you open yourself up to just be used by Him, He will open those doors for you. You don’t have to control every single step of your Journey. Faith is real and necessary in any journey. He designed your journey in such a way that you will not know what may come next but it will always be necessary for your success. Everything you go through is to strengthen an important character trait necessary for your success.

 

I am unsure, humbled, frustrated and anxious. But even in all this I am at peace. I am at peace because I know that I am protected, my journey is protected if it is the last thing I do literally, my goals will be reached. I have to come to a place of understanding that taking everything one day at a time is the only way I will not be overwhelmed, discouraged, confused etc.

 

My center will only be found by seeking direction, peace and understanding that I am on a constant journey that has the opportunity for all types of wonderful experiences. My motivation and drive have to be unwavering. 

~Rai

Friendship vs. Lovership(no its not a word but i felt like making it up)

I haven’t written for a while…actually months. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say it’s just that I have had so much to say I didn’t know where to begin. But today, today is different. What I feel like sharing is very simple. After reading one of my favorite poems by Nikki Giovanni I really began to think about the idea of friendship within a relationship.

Though it may sound as if it is a cliché, friendship is really the foundation of a successful relationship. When you are friends first and foremost you truly are open to hearing the other’s point of view because it is important to you. The other person adds to your life and therefore you want to take into consideration what they have to say. When friendship is the foundation, your deep seeded love for that person is not grounded in the superficial its grounded in a respect and an understanding of that person…right? When I think of my closest friends over the years there have been so many times we haven’t seen eye to eye. We may have hurt each other unintentionally, we may have offended each other. However, our respect and love for each other always brings us back to a place of understanding, respect and forgiveness. No, we will not always see eye to eye but we respectfully accept each others opinions, we hold their opinions in high regard and we do not dismiss each other when we don’t fully understand their point of view.

This approach is what I realize needs to be applied to all relationships including relationships with family members and romantic ones at that. Maybe I owe some people in my life an apology a genuine one…maybe some owe me an apology as well. As long as we keep our friendship first we should end up where we started.

A Poem of Friendship

We are not lovers

because of the love

we make

but the love

we have

 

We are not friends

because of the laughs

we spend

but the tears

we save

 

I don’t want to be near you

for the thoughts we share

but the words we never have

to speak

 

I will never miss you

because of what we do

but what we are

together

~Nikki Giovanni

Um, So What Now?

I think I’m having some sort of quarter and a couple of years life crisis lol. I thought I had it all figured out, my career path that is. I mean my plan was to apply to art business programs for fall 2011 and actually get in, start my education, become the best gallery manager/art broker/ exhibition designer/ art outreach program manager there was. All this while also running a successful wardrobe styling/fashion blogging business. Somewhere in there I planned to start my family have a few kids, live in my dream brownstone etc. etc. etc.

But things do NOT always go as planned. Let’s recap the last year or so: I accepted a new 9 to 5 that actually plays to many of my strengths, to my surprise I began to LIKE my job. I started to become distracted by my 9 to 5 kind of forgetting about my timeline for school. Then I started to remember, wait this is not my career path plan, this 9 to 5 isn’t part of my vision board and my vision for my future. Though I have to be responsible and fulfill my obligations, while doing well because it’s a reflection of who I am, I cannot become distracted by this job.

Ok, glad I got that under control. So I began to refocus and balance my job with my timeline for graduate school. But wait, I’ve also been trying to manage this business that I absolutely have a passion for, wardrobe styling. In this zone I am free, creative, I can do and be who I want. I can create art on a shoot set time and time again. I can help others feel confident in themselves and their image by helping them put together a look that is right for them. I began to focus most on this passion. Networking opportunities galore, writing and blogging opportunities began to pop up from everywhere. I began to really study my craft, learn about the designers I so often wrote of in my blogs and learn about those in the business who’ve become successful. All my free time, and time I was supposed to be devoting to something else began to shift to my love for fashion. But again, I thought wait, I am supposed to be applying to school for art business.

So again, I brought myself back and began to refocus. I took my GRE, began finishing up my applications. But every time I sat down to write my statement or my essay for each application, I was overcome with the thoughts of “are you going down the right path?” “do you really want to get into this industry?” “What will become of your pull toward fashion?” “Should you look into other avenues?” “I thought your interest was in styling and fashion journalism?”

I wish I had an answer for you all now, for myself now lol. I do not. However, I do know that when questions arise you have to take the time to reflect and answer them honestly to yourself. I also know that in matters like this you cannot allow yourself to be overcome with fear or hesitation. I know what I love, I know who I am, and I know my abilities. I know where I am happiest, I know where I feel I can make an impact. As long as I play to these things I’m good to go. Over the next few days I will spend time praying and figuring some things out. I will no longer ignore my need to pull away and think a bit. I will finish up my grad school apps(b/c they are due by 2/15) However, I will determine which programs I really want to apply to. I will also realize that my life does not have to all be figured out in the next 10 minutes…lol

Not another New Year’s Resolution

As the new year approaches I’ve found myself obsessed with planning for my upcoming year and reflecting on the past year. During this time of reflection I’ve found myself also harping on the moves I didn’t make, the decisions I didn’t make, the places I am not etc. etc. etc. With this list of things getting longer and longer I had to stop, step back, and realize how ungrateful and narrow-minded I was truly being. I read an article in the most recent issue of Essence Magazine where the editor and chief stated she too struggled with harping on the things she didn’t accomplish in 2010. She urged her readers to make a list of just the opposite, all the things they were grateful for, all the things they accomplished in 2010, all the opportunities that came about per the favor of God and their hard work. So I took her up on this challenge and quickly realized how blessed I truly was and all the things I had the opportunity to do and learn this year. I feel like 2010 really allowed me to #1 look at myself in true depth #2 create opportunities for myself to grow and learn #3 recognize the true meaning of support, love, friendship, and family. All of my experiences over that past year will shape my ability to make great choices in 2011 that will impact my career, my relationships, and others.

Here are my top 5 for 2010: (I guarantee this list is much longer )

1. I learned the importance pursuing your passions and trusting in God’s plan. Due to this, I was able to get my first published gig!! Monarch Magazine, thank you for this opportunity

2. I learned how necessary cultivating and nurturing your relationships really is. I’ve had a very interesting year. At times this year was very stressful. Throughout all of my experiences the support and encouragement I garnered from my closets friends and family members created a safety net for me. It allowed me to totally let my guard down around people who I knew wouldn’t judge me for my choices, they would be honest, but they also would approach me in love. I say it all the time but God has a way of placing specific people in your life and you never know how they will impact you or vice versa. It’s amazing that I had the opportunity to see this year the true meaning of friendship and love.

3. I learned the importance of forgiveness. This is something that I am still learning and will definitely take into the New Year. But this year it came to my attention in so many ways the anger, bitterness, and hurt I have harbored due to my lack of willingness to forgive people I feel have wronged me in some way. I realize this one simple thing has hindered my ability to move forward in my own purpose, to trust, to let go, to not internalize and become self conscious, and to not harp on comparisons of myself to others. The work I’ve been forced to do to forgive people this year has opened me up to a certain type of freedom I know is necessary for healthy and abundant living!

4. I’ve learned the importance of starting small. I used to try to conquer everything at once. Needless to say this was neither efficient or effective. A close friend of mine reminded me this year to start making small choices that would later impact me and my experiences down the road. With that I’ve begun to try to make choices each day I know will honor me. Again, another item I’m taking into 2011 but this idea for me got its start in 2010.

5. Last but not least, I had the opportunity to be surrounded by so many positive, diligent, encouraging people! The networking that occurred this year for me was beyond amazing. Another testament to God’s ordination. The people I’ve met this year have encouraged me to pursue my loves, seek out opportunities diligently, and become fearless and confident in my purpose.

My Focuses for 2011:

1. Work on that forgiveness thing. This is still a work in progress for me. But I’m honest about my journey here. What I will focus on this year is not harping so much on past mistakes made by myself and others but focus more on our relationship and the efforts being made going forward. One thing that I know will be helpful here is my willingness to be honest with myself and the other people. If there is something I can truly not get over then I have to be honest and remove myself from the situation, this will allow me not to feel like I’m repeating the same mistake and will give me time to heal and forgive. It will also free the other people in my life to move forward into a better situation for them as well. The idea of forgiveness and the impact it has is on both the person who is forgiving and the person you forgive. It ultimately creates a healthier environment for everyone.

2. My plan is to be accepted into an art business masters program for Fall 2011. I take my GRE on Jan. 8th My application deadlines are Feb 15th. Once this is all complete, I can begin looking for scholarships and ways to efficiently pay for school. Acceptance into a program would mean I am well on my way to the career change I’m setting myself up for.

3. Continue to seek out opportunities more diligently and frequently. With my first published gig occurring recently, I’m hoping to use this as leverage to garner further wardrobe styling opportunities. Also in 2011 I plan to follow through with many of the people I’ve met or have been connected to in 2010. This I hope will give me the opportunity to further my wardrobe styling biz and make some great long-lasting relationships in the industry.

4. Focus on the journey not the destination. My dad told me years ago while I was in high school that I tend to focus on my destination, once I reach a certain destination I then focus on the next. But life is truly about the journey. I realize I haven’t savored my everyday experiences and the out of the ordinary moments. This year I plan to not get so caught up by the little things but really just enjoy my friends, my fam, my experiences, my opportunities for growth and learning.

5. Be fearless and unapologetic. What’s the thing that sets apart people who realize their dreams and manifest in their purpose? Aside from God’s favor, it’s their ability to block out negativity, keep a sense of self, and push forward taking risks that catapult them to different places.

So this was my list…What’s yours?

But You Were The Star of MY PLAY!?!

“In desperate love  we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place” (Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love 2006)

Today I decided to pick up a book that was such an eye opener the first time I read it. I’m at an interesting  point in my life for which I believe re-reading this book will be a useful reminder of the things I learned when I first read it. So as I started to read, I came across the quote above. Can we say lightbulb! mind you I’ve read this before but I forgot this important point lol. How many times have I concocted the perfect character to star in my romantic love story and then been upset when they decided that they didn’t like or were not able to live up to this amazing person that I made up just for them? I mean really how could THEY be so selfish and unreasonable. Wait, but didn’t I make up this character and demand that they be the star of my play? Was I the one being unreasonable? Didn’t I take some of the inkling of their personality and character they showed me in the beginning  and assume that they were who I was waiting for? Weren’t they the type of person I needed to help me forget the previous heartbreak I had been subjected to before them? I mean they were better than the last person so didn’t they have to be EXACTLY what I needed?

There is so much wrong with the statements I just made, but I am only going to focus on one tonight…lol. The issue is this, when you allow a person into your space but choose to accept a portion of their characteristics and personality you not only limit your experience with them but you also can set yourself up for a rude awakening and heartbreak. I know we all realize no one is perfect, and you have to learn what you can and can’t deal with. However, I do think we often fool ourselves into believing that the person you meet and begin dating initially is #1 never going to change from that initial person you met and #2 are solely the initial person you met. Let me explain, I don’t care how open and honest you are about yourself when you first meet someone, there is just no way you will be able to show all of yourself to them initially. People grow, change, learn, improve, get scared, become too guarded, become to open etc. We all change or just show more of ourselves as we become more comfortable or just begin not to care as much anymore. If you hold on to who you thought someone was, or who you wanted them to be you hinder your own growth, you hinder their growth and you hinder both of your ability to experience love in its fullness. I’m a hopeless romantic. I love love, but I’m also a realist. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you have to take things for what they are. You have to take people for who they are. You either are willing to work with them as they are or you can choose to move on for the both of you. It’s not about placing blame, it’s not about being spiteful, it’s not about reminding others that they didn’t live up to your expectations, it’s about making decisions that make the most sense for you both. It’s about allowing yourself and allowing them to experience love in its fullness, even if it’s not with you. Are you mature enough to make that type of decision?

A Peaceful Mind Generates Power

Sitting at a team lunch for work, I pulled out that tiny slit of paper from my fortune cookie. I’m not sure if my team members could see my reaction, though I wear everything on my face, I was a little taken aback. When you read a fortune cookie, you expect to get a cheesy little verse, a quick note, nothing this profound. Nothing that speaks so much truth to your current place in life. Nothing is by coincidence, everything is in Divine and Godly order. It said ” a peaceful mind generates power.” This little instance happened months ago but this mantra stuck with me because it truly spoke to my spirit. Let me explain.

Your thoughts about yourself, others, and your lot in life are extremely influential. With every action, every step you take in your life begins with some thought whether positive or negative. When you are feeling overwhelmed at work and you think to yourself that you’re not going to be able to complete your tasks for the day, usually that is what happens. Or if your significant other does something that you don’t agree with you may think to yourself they did something to intentionally hurt you. 9 times out of 10 that is not the truth of the situation, you will be able to finish your work and your significant other never took some action to intentionally hurt you. It was what you thought and you told yourself about both of these situations that made it that way for you. I’ve been going to a meditation class each Tuesday night ( well when I can make it …lol), it’s become a very important part of my week. It forces me to be still, practice discipline and create a peaceful and safe place for myself. Tonight I learned something extremely important: to have a peaceful mind you must make the choice to control your thoughts. Every thought you have is a choice. You can choose to identify with that thought and internalize it or you can choose to be aware of the thought and choose not to allow yourself to be pulled or controlled by it. You can choose to create a peaceful, comfortable, loving, and secure environment for yourself by something as basic as choosing to identify or not identify with a thought. I don’t know about you, but for me this is so important to keeping my sanity right now. My thoughts run rampant in my world. I’m overwhelmed with my thoughts of preparing for my future, moving into the career that I’ve been working towards for a few years now. My thoughts of self acceptance, improvement, empowerment. My thoughts of building a healthy, stable, happy, and secure relationship for myself and my partner. Trying to stay sane at the 9 to 5 lol. In each of these situations and thoughts I’ve chosen at times to identify with the negative aspects. I’ve gotten overwhelmed, depressed, lazy, and all of these actions began with an initial thought. I realize now that if I choose to control my thoughts, I will create a much more peaceful and joyful environment for myself and all those who come in contact with me. Right now I’m choosing to have a positive outlook on my future, I’m choosing to identify with positive thoughts, I’m choosing to create a powerful and influential existence by creating first a peaceful mind.

The Big Picture…

So, last night I had an interesting conversation with a few friends that I wanted to share. While at a bridal shower dinner with friends new and old we got on the topic of relationships, boundaries, what we should expect, whats realistic to ask for, and checking ourselves when we are being unrealistic. ( I know thats a lot to talk about at a bridal shower dinner lol) An interesting comment was made about seeing the big picture. Let me tell you I tend to be a big picture person in my career, in my projects…but in my friendships and relationships I tend to fixate on one thing and it is often difficult for me to step back and look at that relationship for what it really is. I love love, I love seeing the best qualities in others, and I love nurturing those qualities. This is good at times, but the truth is everyone has flaws. Even the people who swear they have it all together, have flaws. When these are ignored it can be detrimental to any relationship. I along with many others tend to hold on to the good I see in a person and hold on to those things not wanting to leave or move on b/c our partner has a few good qualities that we like. But what about the other qualities, are those qualities that are less likable deal breakers? Should they be deal breakers? No one is perfect, there will always be compromise in any relationship. That said, you should also be at a place where you know yourself, what you want, what’s acceptable to you, and what you value most in a relationship. Your partner could be a wonderful person, but if they also have qualities that do not compliment the relationship then that person is just not for you. That is not to say they are not a good match for anyone, they are just not for you at that time. At the same time, if you are holding on to that relationship understanding that there are many deal breakers present maybe it is time to evaluate where you are, and the characteristics you encompass. Though we often like to point the finger at others, the truth is we make choices for ourselves. We choose to place ourselves in unhealthy situations, and we can also choose to extract ourselves from those situations. I encourage you to look at the big picture. Look at what the whole relationship looks like. Is it the respectful, loving, nurturing relationship that it should be? Are there things that you need to work on to make it that type of relationship? or, are you just hindering the many blessings God has for you? I’m just saying, who wants to hinder their blessings? Why would you ever want to block an amazing opportunity to feel fulfilled, nurtured, loved, and complete either solo or in a relationship?

Great convo ladies! We must do it again soon ( I must credit a few of the ladies as much of this post came from their ideas…Jess, Nia, Jen, Crys lol)

What is it that you want???

This is going to be a very quick post, I’m actually at work but feeling the need to write. I should be working on this term paper due Monday…but I digress lol

So I’ve repeatedly been asked this question of my wants. “What is it that you want?”, I’ve been asked. MMM…everytime that question comes up I do one of two things 1) I draw a blank or 2) I realize I want everything.  Neither are ideal or helpful responses to this question. So I decided to take my lunch break today, just me, my music, and my fav salad and figure out what I want. Now, before you say anything, no I haven’t figured out everything I want in life. That will indefinitely change as I grow into my more mature and established self. But I did take this time to figure out what makes me happy, what makes me smile, what effects my growth, and what will help me move forward. This is what I came up with:

1) I want to live a life totally aware of who I am and who I am supposed to be. Meaning, I want to stop ignoring those inner most feelings and convictions tugging at me to take that leap of faith and move forward on that very thing I have been putting off to do. I want to live in the conciousness of myself and others. I don’t want to be oblivious to how my actions affect others and I want to understand how those actions affect my living space as well as theirs. I’ve decided that though I have a quick devotional time with God everyday, this does not suffice for the place I am in my life’s journey. I need more time with Him and in order to stay in full conciousness of who I am and who I am supposed to be I must plug in with Him for this type of guidance. So it’s been my charge to spend at least 15 to 20 minutes with Him each morning. This is the way I want to start off my day so that I can hear Him throughout my day.

2) I want to peace and love to exude from everything that I do. I’ve met more than a few people who I automatically equate with a loving and peaceful existence. I want others to recognize that in me as well. I realize more than ever that I am the only one who can and will control my environment. Meaning all that unnecessary drama for the sake of having an “eventful” life is not what I want any longer. It is hard to admit but I know that for so long I’ve fed off of drama or dramatic situations in my life. As I’ve gotten older this has certainly been draining me and effected myself and my relationships. I am no longer willing to jeopardize my peace, and the peace of others in my space for these quick fixes I’ve gotten from creating dramatic situations. (Whew..that was hard to admit!)

3) I want to continue to move forward with my passions. I’m passionate about art, I am passionate about the art of fashion, I am passionate about my service to others and the community. I’ve been able to plug into so many resources. I’ve truly been blessed to meet the people I have in the industries that interest me. As I continue to prioritize and put things in order I have to remember that number 1, I must follow through with my obligations. Number 2, I am obligated to nurture the opportunities I’ve been given. God has given me so many opportunities to move forward with my calling and though I have taken initial steps due to fear and laziness at times I haven’t always nurtured those opportunities. Well now is as good a time as ever!

4) I want to smile each day. Now this may seem simple, but I can’t tell you how often I get stopped on the street by men and women asking me to just smile. One guy was even like “Sweetheart it can’t possibly be that bad!” I was a bit embarrassed, I didn’t realize my facial expressions exuded such discontent. I’m realizing more and more that how I am feeling internally is so often written on my face, and it is very hard for me to mask how I’m feeling at the moment. I’ve been like this since I was like 2! My mom said I always looked worried as a kid. Well, I tell you…this is NOT the disposition I want to have as an adult. Life has been too good and too blessed for me to have a constant disposition of worry or unhappiness. So, though it may sound silly its my charge to consciously smile each day. I will find something to physically smile about. I’m sure once I make an effort to do this more often the way others even interact with me will be different. I mean really, who doesn’t want to be loving and kind to someone who is smiling at them lol.

5) I want friendships and romantic relationships that serve both myself and the others involved. I want all my relationships to be uplifting and build up everybody in that relationship, not constantly tearing each other down. Relationship was given to us by God as a source of support and encouragement. God gave Adam and Eve to each other so that the other would not be lonely and that there would be a place of support for each of them. I want to stay true to this initial design. It’s important that I nurture all my relationships so that they are a source of love, encouragement, and support.

So these are the initial things that I want. These are the things that I want to characterize my life and lifestyle. What is it that you want? Why don’t you go through this exercise of reflection, it may be helpful

Out of Order…

Recently a few opportunities for me to make a move towards my career and life goals have come up. It’s extremely exciting, but also very scary when thinking about leaving behind a bit of security for a peaceful and more fulfilling existence. I’ve been bombarded with the fears of others, my own fears, and doubts. I’ve come up with 50 million plans as back up plans to my back up plans. I realized in the midst of my morning devotion that I’m going about things all wrong. We all tend to get caught up in how we think things should go, our own plans etc. But in reading my devotions this morning I was convicted about the way in which I’m approaching this new opportunity and the logistics of it all, I wasn’t in right order with my planning. I realize though I’ve said a few quick prayers here and there I’ve not really sat down and given God his time to speak to me. I’ve not really sought Him first about all of the current going ons in my life. I felt that because everything was happening so fast, and things seemed to be falling into place it MUST be God right??? I feel at peace with my ultimate decision, however the in between stages are a bit up in the air, that is where I failed to seek God’s plan for me. If you are having difficulty making a plan for yourself, a calculated move, it’s time to seek and listen to God’s direction. Don’t allow the excitement of new opportunities to cloud your judgment when it comes to following God’s direction. I’ve learned from past experience that he will never fail you. You must trust this fundamental truth and open yourself up to His Guidance. Though everything may not always go as smoothly and as easily as you would like, when you heed to His direction you WILL be at peace about every move made.

Be Blessed!

It’s a Good Time to…

Finish the title for me…

It’s a good time to Leave…

It’s a good time to Get Out…

It’s a good time to make the best decisions…

It’s a good time to enjoy life…

It’s a good time to love you…

It’s a good time  to go back to school…

It’s a good time to go after that dream job…

It’s a good time to be fabulous…

It’s a good time to get into shape…

It’s a good time to do that ONE thing you’ve always said you were going to do but just haven’t…

I’ve been struggling with the When question. When do I leave a job I hate and take a pay cut to go after a career that fits the essence of who I am? When do I move on from other unhealthy and unhappy situations in my life and stop being fearful and playing the victim? When do I start training for that 10 miler in April I said i was going to run?

So at the prodding of my sister ( who I’m so thankful for), I did something I usually don’t do. I called my mother to share with her EVERYTHING that I’ve been struggling with, and I do mean everything. I couldn’t have done anything better, my mother was nurturing, understanding, firm, and honest. She helped me to see what my next steps need to be. She helped me to understand my worth as only a mother can. She helped me to believe in my strength and the strength of God. She spoke to me and made me see that she lead by example. She kept repeating “It’s a GOOD TIME to leave, It’s a GOOD TIME to be happy, It’s a GOOD TIME to enjoy your life.” Now is the best time to make the moves you’ve been dragging your feet on. Even when it comes to career choices, she supported my desire for a career change and even said that it suits me best. What our conversation helped me realize was that I deserve the best, I deserve to live free from insecurity and fear, it’s time to stop waiting for others to make choices for me, do things to me to force me in a different direction. It’s time for me to take control of my career, my education, my relationships.

What is it a good time for you to do? Is it time for you to pick yourself up, stop using past experiences as a crutch, stop doubting and being fearful, and start recognizing your own strength? I urge you to find others to stay accountable to, find those who are invested in your happiness and well-being, find those who will not grow frustrated or agitated with you when you don’t succeed or when you are feeling down about the same situation. You need others to help you through transition periods, it’s ok to be transparent, ask for help. God places people in your lives as support, as you are to be to others. I urge you to move towards your goal, full force, in boldness, and ( as Christian Siriano says) Be Fierce honey! This is how your ‘transisition’ periods go from being transitions to moving into the fullness of who God has created you to be.